I'm proud of us
by shadow9375
Summary: A grief stricken Sam is left devastated after Dean's death at Metatron's hands and his sudden disappearance. Castiel comes to the rescue. But can he get through to Sam in Dean's absence? Rated M due to triggers for grief/depression.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or Supernatural.**

 **All credit to Eric Kripke and the writers/producers**

 **Please Review.**

"It's better this way... The Mark... It's turning me into something I never wanted to be... I'm proud of us..."

Sam Winchester heard the words echo in his head for the millionth time. His hazel eyes snapped open as he jerked himself upright from his prone position. Sam's breath came in ragged gasps as he tried to calm his racing heart. Dean's tortured, bloodied face swam before his vision, and Sam blinked hard, willing the thought away. He could remember every last second of that night with his brother in excruciating detail. Sam's lips trembled and a tightness squeezed his chest like an iron fist. A single salty tear drop fell from Sam's lower lashes, tracing a line down his cheek. He swiped at his eyes furiously, biting his trembling lip hard, drawing blood. He willed himself to be strong, not to break down. Dean had always been so strong. Even in his dying minutes, as his life and his blood drained out of him, Dean had been strong, clinging to his humanity. He'd always been so good, never giving himself enough credit. At the thought of him, Sam broke at last, the tears coming in a flood as violent sobs and great wrenching gasps shook his tall frame. That wasn't even the worst of it. The worst had been months ago and Sam was still haunted by it. Words exchanged between him and Dean, words that he would give his very life to take back. He could still hear Dean's voice, clear as a bell: "If the positions were reversed, if I was dying, you would do the same thing..." Then came the words that haunted his every waking moment: "No Dean - I wouldn't..." He would give anything to take them back, anything! As he remembered his anger and his coldness to his brother at that time, regret and remorse clawed at Sam's very soul as he cried and grieved in agony...


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Supernnatural.**

 **All credit to Eric Kripke and the writers/ producers at the CW.**

 **For Bronwen Gutzwiller whose review inspired a second chapter.**

Hours later, Castiel found him like this. Hunched over in agony, head bowed, gasping and sobbing as he rocked back and forth in the throes of deepest grief and remorse.

Hovering awkwardly in the doorway, Castiel hesitated, momentarily stunned. Sam hadn't noticed him yet, so wrapped up in torturous pain he was oblivious to his surroundings. Castiel stared at Sam, horrified and transfixed by the man's intense suffering.

Wave upon wave of grief, pain, anger and regret were rolling off Sam - Castiel could feel each emotion rising and falling like a shower of sparks, impacting what little remained of his angelic grace.

The seismic waves of anguish were so intense that Castiel gasped, staggering and almost falling for a moment under the sheer fierceness of emotion...

"S-s-Sam..." the angel gasped. "Sam?" He said more loudly, but the hunter didn't so much as glance in his direction.

"SAM!" Castiel said in his gravelly voice, with all the volume he could muster. But Sam remained wrapped in his own private ball of anguished grief.

Starting to feel really worried now, Castiel strode across the room to the hunter. He waved a hand in front of Sam's face, calling his name to no avail.

Castiel sighed deeply, on the edge of panic now. He gripped Sam's shoulder tightly, resting one palm on Sam's flushed tear-stained cheek.

If only Dean were here... Dean would know just what to say to his brother...

"Sam! ... SAMMY!" Castiel shouted with sudden inspiration.

Sam gave a sharp shuddering gasp and jerked back, looking up into Castiel's face. When Sam's eyes met intense blue rather than the wild green of Dean's irises, he closed his eyes and bowed his head in disappointment, leaning against Castiel, but not retreating back into his storm of grief. As the tears and sobbing subsided, Sam's body continued to tremble as he shook with heartache, reeling from loss...


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Supernnatural.**

 **All credit to Eric Kripke and the writers/ producers at the CW.**

The hunter and the angel sank to the floor, Castiel holding Sam, cradling his head against his shoulder, not sure what else to do. He had never seen Sam in this state before.

Castiel didn't know how long they sat huddled on the floor; he held Sam until the shudders subsided into occasional tremors that gave way to the odd twitch as Sam drifted into an exhausted sleep, safe in the arms of an angel...

Castiel sat content, ever in his role as the Winchester's guardian. As Sam drifted into a troubled, exhausted sleep, Castiel allowed his mind to wander and his hand to drift, resting it against Sam's forehead to check his temperature. The angel absent mindedly brushed back a few silky strands of Sam's hair. It was soft, like angel feathers, Castiel mused thoughtfully, remembering his wings as they used to be.

Sam shifted in his sleep and Castiel instinctively tightened his grip, trying to infuse as much comfort into the gesture as he could.

It was then that he noticed something hard pressing into his wrist. Sliding his fingers across Sam's shirt, Castiel realised he could feel Sam's ribs and count them through the fabric, the bones almost protruding from the skin.

When was the last time he ate? Castiel wondered. It had been weeks since Dean disappeared, and with Sam in this unnatural state of fragility, food was perhaps the furthest thing from his mind. He would have to do something about that when Sam woke.

Maybe he could fix him PB&J... What did Sam like? Castiel knew Dean had loved burgers and beer. Sam was normally more nutrition conscious, opting for a salad or something healthy.

Usually he looked after himself, something that had clearly fallen to the wayside in the wake of Dean's death and disappearance.

Well, Cas was here now, he wasn't going anywhere and he would soon have Sam back on his feet - he owed Dean that much at least...


End file.
